The one and only!

Today I've been shopping. Bra-shopping, god damn it. I hate bra shopping for so many reasons: 1. You have to take pretty much all your clothes off, which always ends with me getting extremely hot and bothered (well, not the taking OFF clothes, but the constant on and off) and storming out of the shop without said purchase (only you can't just storm out because you're in the deepest depth of some Christmas-jingly department store. 2. I can ONLY buy bras in M&S (is that what they're called these days, not Marks & Spencer's?), this is the only store that kind of understand my nunga nungas. I said KIND OF. 3. I always bring the wrong size to the changing room, hence the constant onoffonoff of clothes. Sweat galore. And I don't like asking someone to get one for me, that might come across as lazy or "I'm better than you, go and get me a bra". 4. The reason for number 3 is that my size is never available in M&S. Never! But I always think, hey this bra looks humungous, surely I'll fit in there. I never do.
There is one bra shop where all sizes are always available. La Senza. Oh hallelujah, I hear you say, but you are wrong. I can't fit my head inside any of those cups and I know that if I can't fit my whole head into one cup, I will never fit a nunga. I have tried so many times. The problem is not the frontage, but the width, so to speak. And at La Senza, all bras try to pierce nice little fleshy holes in my armpits, even when I go proper up in size. As if boobs only grow forwards...? Have you tried laying down, Ms Bra-Maker.
Today I had the added difficulty of needing something specific, normally I have to just be happy with what I can get. Beggars can't be choosers, eh? I need: a black, strapless or multi-way, plus size bra, thanks. Guess how many there were to choose from (I played this game with Prince W when I got in, he guessed 15, haha). There was ONE! And we're talking the big BIG M&S at Bluewater. They do ONE fucking bra fitting that category. It was weird, it was wrong, and I still had to take my clothes off and back on TWICE.
Thought I'd try House of Fraser. How many did I have to choose from? Yeah, you guessed right, one! It was another armpit stabber, at the cost of £29, I felt uncomfortable, stabbed and hot, so I left, once again, empty handed with my boobs held high.